I Have No Ass and I Must POOP! A 'Shut Up™' Sermon by TGRR
by: The Good Reverend Roger
For this, of course, we are called all manner of horrible shit by stupid people. “conservopagans” & Magicktards, libertariantards, Democrats, Republicans, teabaggers, the DAR (& other racists), and I’m pretty sure the Rotarians have put hits out on us. It is un-American to point out that things aren’t utterly perfect, that there might be a flaw or two in our glorious system.
We – at least the portion of Discordians that I feel comfortable speaking for – no longer buy into the left/right false dilemma that has been propagated by the media for the last 65 years or so. “Both sides” are moronic Punch & Judy dolls set up for you to throw rotten fruit at. If at this point you find yourself saying “Well, sure, but at least the
And the 3rd party morons? As I’ve said before, just because they’re funnier doesn’t make them better. No, the sad fact is that all politics is utter garbage which must be studied without buy-in…Because, though those police may be a social fiction, their pepper spray and billy clubs are just as real as they need to be.
This applies to ALL politics. Dumb fucking anarchists are buying the same shit in a different wrapper. In fact, anarchy is the STUPIDEST form of politics, because it doesn’t even TRY to put forth a workable agenda, let alone a system that primates can live with. Also, it was invented by the French, and anyone who has studied their governmental history has no further need of any evidence, whatsoever.
Related to politics is, of course, religion. Religion, as defined by us in The Church™, means “any group of people who believe the same things without considering (or even looking at) evidence that contradicts those beliefs”. Religion therefore includes the American Left & Right, all major denominations of all the Abrahamaic religions, Hindus, Zoroastrians, atheists, Bears fans, Free Market retards, communists, Scientologists, television viewers, and people who get their “information” from AM radio. Please note that this is by no means an exclusive list.
All of the above have one thing in common: They steal your Slack™, and then give your formulaic, false-slack pap in exchange. They typically do this by offering you what primates need: An alpha, usually a surrogate one. The character “Jack Bauer” comes to mind, as does the president, the pope, Rush Limbaugh, or anyone else who will take from the masses the burden of thinking for themselves. Typically, this is sold with John Wayne stapled all over it, the only example required to demonstrate this is the recent & laughable “Rick Perry is Strong” ad. Same with the fictional Jack Bauer…He’s hard as nails, and has no time for hippie shit like due process & the rule of law. Don’t you wish we had a Jack Bauer to cut the crap and do horrible shit to really bad people?
If you answered yes, for any reason – for any crime - then you are essentially no different than a Roman citizen in 50 BCE. You are part of the problem, and you need to REPENT, SINNER, or else resign yourself to a lifetime of walking on your knuckles. Know ye well the signs of the End Times, fools, for is it not written that false prophets shall deceive the multitudes? Is it not written that a sucker is a sucker, and should not be trusted with cash? IS IT NOT WRITTEN INDEED, THAT LO, THERE’S LOTS OF SHIT HAPPENING THAT YOU AREN’T TOLD ABOUT?
Indeed. You merely aren’t told. Nothing is hidden from you, because they just have to convince you that many things aren’t worth looking at. They’re “uncool”. “Math is boring!” “That’s crackpot shit.” “You’ll never get a good job without what we have.” “There’s nothing I can do, anyway.” “Watch our special report on the dangers of stepping outdoors, at 9.”
People believe that shit, and it is the fucking ROAD TO PERDITION, paved by The Spider with bricks made out of the purest Conspiracy™. Jesus tried to warn you about this shit, and they turned him into the God of Capitalism. “Bob” tried to warn you about this shit, so they assassinated him a half a dozen times. The Occupy geeks are trying to warn you about something. They’re not quite sure what it is, specifically, but they know there’s something HIDEOUSLY WRONG.
And if a pack of smelly hippies and tragically cool hipsters can figure at least that much out, I expect no less from you. And, not unlike them, I expect you to fucking DO something. But I won't tell you what. Use your fucking head for something more than a glory hole lure, and FIGURE OUT YOUR OWN METHODS YOURSELF. Oh, and then SHUT THE FUCK UP. It's a sad fucking day when 35 year old hipster creepers get more done to fuck the system than we do.
Get the fuck on it.
Or Kill Me.
Anniversary of Lord Buckley's Death
It's certaily wouldn't be difficult to make the argument that Lordy Buckley was for live humorous monologues what Elvis Presley was for Rock n Roll and, more recently, what Eminem was for Hip Hop... he was a honky who got kudos for using something black people invented but received next to no admiration themselves for. And that's true. It's pretty much impossible to argue against.
How to Hypnotize a Chicken
Any farm-savvy secret agent can tell you that it’s always a good idea to keep abreast of livestock-stupefying techniques. A chicken’s brain is small enough to be eclipsed by a dime, and is therefore a particularly easy subject. You’ll need A) an ordinary chicken, and B) a finger. In the old days they used chalk, but a plain old finger or a stick does the job just as well.
Start by holding the chicken’s head against the ground, and place the tip of your finger on the ground right in front of the chicken’s beak. Then, while holding the chicken’s head, use your finger to draw a straight line directly away from it. It will quickly enter a trance-like state with significantly reduced heart and respiration rates, and will remain this way for anywhere from fifteen seconds to several hours. Most of the time, it’s on the order of a few minutes before the bird normalizes.
Originally posted on Damn Interesting!, written by Alan Bellows
Tic Tac Toe is Unnatural
44th Anniversary of the Pentagon Exorcism
Next Friday, October 21, will be the 44th anniversary of the march on Washington, D.C. when 70,000 peaceful and very enthusiastic demonstrators gathered in front of the Lincoln Memorial on the D.C. Mall to protest the war in Vietnam. Later that day, 50,000 marched across Memorial Bridge to the Pentagon. Among the demonstrators were Abbie Hoffman, Allen Ginsberg and The Fugs. In addition to protesting the war, the poets, pranksters and musicians had come to the Pentagon to levitate it. Fug member, wordslinger and alchemist Ed Sanders had prepared a magical incantation that would exorcise (exorgasm) the Pentagon and then lift it high into the air.
In the name of the amulets of touching, seeing, groping, hearing and loving, we call upon the powers of the cosmos to protect our ceremonies in the name of Zeus, in the name of Anubis, god of the dead, in the name of all those killed because they do not comprehend, in the name of the lives of the soldiers in Vietnam who were killed because of a bad karma, in the name of sea-born Aphrodite, in the name of Magna Mater, in the name of Dionysus, Zagreus, Jesus, Yahweh, the unnamable, the quintessent finality of the Zoroastrian fire, in the name of Hermes, in the name of the Beak of Sok, in the name of scarab, in the name, in the name, in the name of the Tyrone Power Pound Cake Society in the Sky, in the name of Rah, Osiris, Horus, Nepta, Isis, in the name of the flowing living universe, in the name of the mouth of the river, we call upon the spirit to raise the Pentagon from its destiny and preserve it.
Norman Mailer who attended the march summarized the exorcism ritual thusly:
Now, here, after several years of the blandest reports from the religious explorers of LSD, vague Tibetan lama goody-goodness auras of religiosity being the only publicly announced or even rumored fruit from all trips back from the buried Atlantis of LSD, now suddenly an entire generation of acid-heads seemed to have said goodbye to easy visions of heaven, no, now the witches were here, and rites of exorcism, and black terrors of the night – hippies being murdered. Yes, the hippies had gone from Tibet to Christ to the Middle Ages, now they were Revolutionary Alchemists.”
The Pentagon did not levitate, though some of us who were there may have seen it shudder a bit. As to whether the exorcism worked or not, I think it may have for the 50,000 ecstatic people in attendance - the vibes around the Pentagon would never ever be as sublime as on that afternoon.
In this rarely seen footage, Edward Folger shot some 16mm film during the march and created what he describes as an “impressionistic immersion in the experience of the march.”
The Case Against Color
Yesterday, I overheard a conversation between two homeless men who were waiting in a line for lunch at a nearby shelter. I was waiting for a bus on a bench close to where the two were standing, and happened to overhear one of them mention a 'golden apple'. This, of course, piqued my interest, so I began to listen to the two.
It turns out that the 'golden apple' the one man was referring to was what is commonly referred to as an 'Orange', but he is correct that at one time the fruit was called a golden apple - the conversation centered around the man holding the orange trying to convince the other man that the fruit he was holding was in fact blue, not orange.
"It's like this," said the man. "color works in opposites. When you look at an Orange the light bounces off the Orange, and back to your eye. But, the thing is, the thing is this: the Orange absorbs all the colors of the white light, and only bounces back the color orange to your eye. So, really, the Orange is any color BUT orange."
"I don't get it." said the other man. "Why does it look orange to us, then?"
"Because that's the only color bouncing back to your eye. It looks orange because orange is bouncing back. The eye works on opposites. We actually see things upside down, but our eyes correct the image so that we see it normally. And, we usually see in negative, but the eye corrects for that too."
"That's fucked." the other man answered aptly.
It was at this point that I turned to the two men. "I'll tell you what's more fucked. Color doesn't exist at all."
They both just stared at me. I continued: "Think about this: Everything is made from molecules, right? Well, what color are molecules?"
The one man shrugged, and the other said: "I don't know."
I winked. "Exactly. That's because molecules don't have any color. And, if everything is made from molecules, and molecules have no color, than de facto NOTHING has color."
Before either man could respond I disappeared in a puff of smoke.