Q: Why Are There So Many Different Kinds Of Discordians?

A:  Discordianism is the open-source religion, in that most people who adopt it and use it seriously bring their own flavour and new ideas to it, improving it and making it their own.  One person's personality is starkly realistic and practical, so his version mirrors that.  Another's worldview is closer to the original recipe by Thornley.  Cosmic poetic absurdism with a dash of mysticism.

Other Discordian practices incorporate a fundamentalistic view of Eris as an unkind goddess of disruption and strife, a doctrine which finds favor quite naturally among the ranks of trolls.  Some people (myself) take Discordianism as a foil for a Vonnegut-esque worldview.  

(Answer was written by Felix, here)


The Nature of the Universe is Self-Evident

by: The Good Reverend Roger

The nature of the universe is self-evident.

It's a huge, cold empty place, with the occasional - or at least one - algae covered rock. On this rock live monkeys. The monkeys act really dumb a lot of the time, but sometimes they find time for better behavior, and make friends. The universe then punishes the monkeys via their own bad wiring, and they part ways, and go back to being desperately unhappy.

The End.

Poe's Visitor Doesn't Show

A mysterious visitor who each year leaves roses and cognac on Edgar Allen Poe's tomb in Baltimore, Maryland, has missed his rendezvous for the first time in 61 years, the Poe Society has said.

"He did not show up this morning," Jeffrey Savoye, secretary and treasurer of the 380-member society, said.

Each year since 1949, the 100th anniversary of Poe's birth, a individual, often wearing a cloak, left a bottle of cognac and a few roses at the foot of Poe's tomb, usually at night, in tribute to the legendary poet.

"Occasionally he showed up early, like 11:00-11:30 the evening before. But normally it's from midnight to 5:00 am," Mr Savoye said.

About 50 people waited in vain from Tuesday night to watch the "Poe Toaster," as the visitor has been dubbed. Many had travelled from across the United States for the 201st anniversary of Poe's birth.

"As far as we know, they have not missed a year until now," Mr Savoye said of the Poe Toaster.

The original yearly visitor apparently died in 1998, but left the pilgrimage up to his two sons.

"We were left a note some years ago saying that the original toaster had died... We interpreted the message that the torch will be passed... We are assuming that two sons of this person have been carrying it on," he said.

"We don't know who they are."

The visitor's absence this year only deepened the mystery over his identity. One name mentioned as a possibility was that of a Baltimore poet and known prankster who died in his 60s last week. But there is little or no evidence to suggest he was the man.

There is an alternative tale of the toaster's origins, one that the Poe Society vehemently disputes.

Sam Porpora, the former historian at Westminster Hall, claimed in 2007 that he was the original Poe toaster, saying he came up with the idea in the late 1960s as a publicity stunt. But the details of Porpora's story seemed to change with each telling, and he acknowledged that someone had since made the tradition his own.

In 2001, as the Baltimore Ravens – named in honor of the bird in Poe's most famous poem – were preparing to face the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, the toaster left a note that praised the Giants and said the Ravens would suffer "a thousand injuries." Then in 2004, amid tense relations between the United States and France over the invasion of Iraq, a note said Poe's grave was "no place for French cognac" and that the liquor was being left "with great reluctance."

The Legend of Zaurn The Grey

1. When the world was still young and called Pangaea by the gods, a man came from out of the sea clad in robes of black and scarlet, his hair was long and brilliant ivory white; his skin a powdery light grey; his eyes golden. He beheld the inhabitants of Pangaea: little more than Hairless Apes, with no idea of Intelligence; Consciousness; Morality; Illumination; Credit Rating . . . these were little more than common animals. He pulled himself up to his full height, placed his slim smooth hand onto his chest, and said in a strong, beautiful melodious tone: ZAURN. The Hairless Apes looked up at him, scratched their heads, scratched their crotches, sniffed their hands, then looked back up at Zaurn the Wise. Zaurn pointed at one of the Hairless Apes, and said forcefully: MAN. Then, he placed his hand back on his own chest and repeated: ZAURN. One ape scratched his chin, cocked his head to the side and repeated: “Zaurn.” Thus was communication known to Humanity.

2. Soon after the Hairless Apes conquered speech Zaurn the Magnificent blew their minds anew. He wrote on a nearby wall his name, which at that time was spelled: IA. He gestured to the name, IA, then told the Hairless Apes that it referred to himself. One ape scratched his balls, approached the writing on the wall, pointed to it, then pointed at Zaurn the Brilliant, saying “Zaurn.” Thus was writing and graffito known to Humanity.

3. Zaurn then instructed the Hairless Apes that they really must name everything, for If It Is Not Named: It Does Not Exist. The apes quickly began to name everything around them, with various levels of success: if a good word didn’t immediately present itself they would make up a word on the spot, such as “boob” or “diarrhea”, thinking a better word would eventually present itself in the future.

4. Zaurn the Verbose was pleased, and his golden eyes twinkled, but mentioned that there was still much more for the Hairless Apes to learn, for he had yet to teach them about the important concepts of RIGHT and WRONG, which were intrinsically intertwined with the heavy concepts of GOOD and EVIL . . . it would take a long time to explain these Objective Truths to the apes, and an even longer time to get into the esoteric concepts of WORK and LAZINESS, not to mention such crucial topics as NORMALCY.

5. Once the apes knew what was RIGHT and what was WRONG, Zaurn the Grey was truly delighted: the Hairless Apes were both Free and Trapped simultaneously, just as EIEIO, the Goddess of All had intended. EIEIO, the Great Kaos, had sent Zaurn the Grey to the Hairless Apes to both free and ensnare their minds: giving them the gifts of speech and communication so that they may be able to form thoughts and thus become more than they are;, while at the same time having these thoughts bind and constrict their ideas, through endless labeling and defining so that it takes true imagination and magick to break beyond.

χάος

by: Golden Applesauce

IN THE BEGINNING:
Everything was CHAOS, which is notoriously hard to work with.  It came to pass that a piece of chalk (which was made of CHAOS, naturally) was procured and used to mark the CHAOS into sections.  This made things much easier. It was now possible to ignore a great deal of CHAOS (for example, the sections like those marked "Things That Don't Really Exist", "Things That Can't Hurt You", "Africa", and "Barbers Who Don't Shave Themselves") while focusing on parts with labels like "Good", "Interesting", "Things That I Can Have Sex With", and "Things That Are Useful In The Part Of CHAOS Called 'The Real World'".  It's a past-time of people (which are little sub-sections of the one marked "Things That Are Hard To Categorize") to go around making their own labels.  Some people like to work together, and use each other's labels (you can categorize more stuff this way); others work independently (that way, you can put all the labels right where you want them).  At some point the practice of keeping little sections marked "Areas Of CHAOS That Somebody Mislabeled" got established, and spawned endless additional practices, a great deal of which are found in areas with labels like "Strife", "Categorizing Somebody As A Malicious Fool", "Yelling Really Loudly", and "Open Warfare".  This wasn't that bad for a grand total of 1.4 seconds before everybody agreed to extend the zone of "Things That Really Are That Bad" to encompass the entirety of "Things That Happen When CHAOS Gets Mislabeled".  After that first debacle, people have spent a great deal of time and effort trying to make sure that every label is itself a member of "Labels That Are Correct", and also a great deal of time on subproblems like trying to populate a region called "Ways To Tell If A Given Piece of CHAOS Is Labeled Correctly" - so far the intersection of that one and "Things A Significant Fraction Of Things People Agree On" is empty.  Suprisingly, few have questioned the decision to include "The State Of A Label Being Correct" under "Things That Can And Should Be Achieved."

IN THE PRESENT TIME:
Everything is still CHAOS.  Whether or not this is a good idea is open to debate, but so far nobody has suggested anything other than "Null Universe", which we don't like very much.

Quake With Fear, My Vegan Friends:

this excerpt can be found at the following site: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/22/science/22angi.html
But before we cede the entire moral penthouse to “committed vegetarians” and “strong ethical vegans,” we might consider that plants no more aspire to being stir-fried in a wok than a hog aspires to being peppercorn-studded in my Christmas clay pot. This is not meant as a trite argument or a chuckled aside. Plants are lively and seek to keep it that way. The more that scientists learn about the complexity of plants — their keen sensitivity to the environment, the speed with which they react to changes in the environment, and the extraordinary number of tricks that plants will rally to fight off attackers and solicit help from afar — the more impressed researchers become, and the less easily we can dismiss plants as so much fiberfill backdrop, passive sunlight collectors on which deer, antelope and vegans can conveniently graze.

“Plants are not static or silly,” said Monika Hilker of the Institute of Biology at the Free University of Berlin. “They respond to tactile cues, they recognize different wavelengths of light, they listen to chemical signals, they can even talk” through chemical signals. Touch, sight, hearing, speech. “These are sensory modalities and abilities we normally think of as only being in animals,” Dr. Hilker said.
Now, please excuse me, while I go make like Andy Warhol...

Who Gives A Shit About Liberty Anymore?

Some yahoo jackass spends five hours trying to put together a bomb on an airplane and suddenly the entire continent goes berserk. Apparently it never occurred to anyone that these sorts of measures never work because nobody tries exactly the same method ever again. It also apparently didn't occur to anyone that the fuckhead would-be terrorist was clearly a complete and utter moron who couldn't put together the potential bomb through an entire cross-Atlantic flight. I'm assuming someone gave him an overview of what would be necessary at some point, but he was apparently doodling in his margins, or checking his text messages.

Here's the lowdown, folks: you can't screen for crazy. If someone wants to fuck with you on a plane, they will find a way, no matter WHAT you do, so why put all the innocent good people through all this nonsense? If you fly in an airplane you choose to take your life in your hands, terrorism or not. It's a fact. We all need to get used to it.

My proposal is this... the back of each seat on an airplane is equipped with a weighted baton. To be used as a weapon, and with no other purpose. Could someone start something with this baton? Certainly, but he would have a hundred and twenty other people opposed to him, each with their own batons as well. Mob rule, in some situations, can be a good thing. This would counteract the need to screen for weapons on the way in. If someone comes on the plane with a gun, they are outnumbered. Is it possible that someone would still be killed? Of course, but this is the real world, ladies and gentlemen, and the world is not coated in Nerf for your protection. Life is dangerous. Wear a helmet.