Hoopla:
Your hunch was correct, I have successfully infiltrated a Pumpkinite sect in Akron, Ohio – prime pumpkin land, and believe me, these Pumpkinites are truly rabid motherfuckers.
I got in with this sect in mid-July, through the female who went by the handle “Faux Sloatman”, and yes, as you suspected, she took her title from Frank Zappa’s wife’s name, although why is still beyond my understanding.
This is all much, much stranger than you or I ever suspected initially, these Pumpkinites do acknowledge Charles Shultz’s version of the Great Pumpkin, but they don’t admit to having derived the concept from him (as I had theorized) they claim Schultz was a high-ranking Pumpkinite who cleverly disguised their teachings into his work – of course, I find this highly suspect, after all, saying that the Great Pumpkin was hidden in Schultz’s work is like claiming that the Kabbalah was hidden on Sesame Street. No dice.
But, I have managed to learn quite a bit in my short time here, like their berserk claim that the Great Pumpkin dates back to ancient Egypt, and was the original Osiris. I came very close to blowing my cover when that admission was leaked to me, thankfully your training in the Deadpan Technique kicked in, and I was able to maintain my composure.
I have to admit, though, that their story almost convinces me in a strange way, think about it Hoopla, Osiris is a vegetation god who dies each year only to be resurrected the following year . . . “Sure, sure” I can almost hear you mocking in that strange nasal voice of yours, but think about this: The winged globe of Hadit, does it not eerily resemble a pumpkin with wings? And, what pumpkin would have wings other than that grandiose god of the gourds? Answer me that Hoopla, answer me that! You can’t! The real question, my dear Baron, is whether this will be the year that the venerated vegetable king will finally, finally make his appearance to his dedicated subjects . . . Too long have the followers of the prophet Linus been disappointed by the long wait on the autumn equinox for that magnificent seventeen foot tall redeemer to show himself, but still, but still Hoopla, consider this: Of all the vegetation gods, who reflects the weakest of the lot? Dionysus? Hardly, each year his followers (and they are legion, you better believe it) pluck his promise from the vines, grape by glorious grape; Demeter? Not even close, year after year worldwide crops of grain are harvested for the benefit of millions; Our Great -nay!- GRAND Pumpkin? Ha! Each year crowds upon crowds line up to take home their individual orange globes in anticipation of carving our leader’s face into the flesh, sitting close to the television to hear the words of the prophet from his own lips . . . no, no, no, the truly disappointing vegetation god is of course Yeshu ben Yosef the Galilee stone mason who now dominates the world under the moniker Jesus the Christ, who never comes back as he promised, and doesn’t even have the compassion to leave a vegetable in his place – but not for long, good Baron, not for long, soon the Great Pumpkin will usurp his place on the throne of the multitudes, and on that wondrous day it will mean Pumpkin Pie for all, my friend, FOR ALL!
The only question worth asking at this point is: QUO MODO LONGE, MAGNA CUCURBITA, QUO MODO LONGE?
-Count YooHoo, K.S.C., S.H., H.M.
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Van Vliet Cabal
PS: When are you coming to visit?
ODB Gave Me My New Name
Old Dirty Bastard came to me in dream last night and gave me my new name. I was tip-toeing through a Cabbage Patch, trying not to disturb the slumber of the vegetables when a golden glow from above caught my attention. It was ODB, hanging in the air, dazzling and resplendent. You could barely see the thin wires he dangled from, which rose off into infinity. As he smiled down, the glare from his gold grill almost blinded me . . . spelled out across each golden tooth was K-A-L-L-I-S-T-I.
To recount here our conversation would be impolite, but suffice to say that my new name is now Big Baby Buddha.
Hail Eris.
To recount here our conversation would be impolite, but suffice to say that my new name is now Big Baby Buddha.
Hail Eris.
The Internet and Consensus Reality
“The rise of the Net and the Web represents a victory for the counterculture and the subculture. The next generation, raised on the Net as their primary medium, won’t even know what consensus reality is.”
-R. U. Sirius
-R. U. Sirius
Illuminati End Of The World Projects
FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal
TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal
Hoopla:
As we discussed at the zoo the other day, our plans for bringing about the End Of The World have been in motion for many years now. As I'm sure you are aware there are two lessons to any story, the obvious exoteric lesson, and the less obvious esoteric lesson. In regards to the End Of The World idea, consider the esoteric idea underneath the obvious, and it will become more clear. I'm talking about Revolution Of The Mind, Hoops. Of course, nothing of the sort has happened yet, but we're making progress.
You will -of course- remember in an earlier memo when I mentioned that we had been printing books blank, well that was simply the whipped cream on the pumpkin pie that mama made which nobody wants to eat because its so perfect it looks like it should be in magazine ad . . . in other words, nothing.
Here's some of what we've been working on:
-In 1963 we completely altered all sex education courses in North America, deleting any references to how noses and eyebrows also grow at puberty. This small change has resulted in more anti-social behavior than violent TV, video games or hip hop music combined. So far nobody has put it together.
-Bendy Straws. Not a single one has worked since 1982. This of course renders the straw completely useless. This one is subtle, but has profound effects. Have you noticed the rising state of anger in children during the last decade or so? Blame the straws. Of course, this is currently nothing. There's always a second act - wait until 2010 when ONLY bendy straws will be manufactured.
-We introduced Family Fued in late 1976 in an attempt to push the idea of herd mentality over the cliff, but even we were surprised by the zeal the public showed in attempting to be just like everyone else. In retrospect, this could be because we went with our softer title, which encouraged competition, instead of our original choice which we eventually deemed too obvious: "Be Like Me". Live and learn.
-Since the invention of the bikini bathing suit in 1946 we have been changing the way doctors are taught to cut umbilical cords, thereby subtly deforming the appearance of the average belly button over time in North America. Grotesque bellybuttons undermine a society's sense of self worth, but of course only if they are always visible, so once belly button esthetics reached an all-time low we introduced the fad of the bellytop. Self esteem and IQ levels plummeted across the continent - but wait until 2009, when the male bellytop fad is introduced. PANDEMONIUM!
There's more of course, but I'm pressed for time, being a very busy man. I can't say much about the project I am currently working on, but I can say that it involves the S Club 7 and Outer Space. Chew on that!
TTFN,
Ramses
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal
TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal
Hoopla:
As we discussed at the zoo the other day, our plans for bringing about the End Of The World have been in motion for many years now. As I'm sure you are aware there are two lessons to any story, the obvious exoteric lesson, and the less obvious esoteric lesson. In regards to the End Of The World idea, consider the esoteric idea underneath the obvious, and it will become more clear. I'm talking about Revolution Of The Mind, Hoops. Of course, nothing of the sort has happened yet, but we're making progress.
You will -of course- remember in an earlier memo when I mentioned that we had been printing books blank, well that was simply the whipped cream on the pumpkin pie that mama made which nobody wants to eat because its so perfect it looks like it should be in magazine ad . . . in other words, nothing.
Here's some of what we've been working on:
-In 1963 we completely altered all sex education courses in North America, deleting any references to how noses and eyebrows also grow at puberty. This small change has resulted in more anti-social behavior than violent TV, video games or hip hop music combined. So far nobody has put it together.
-Bendy Straws. Not a single one has worked since 1982. This of course renders the straw completely useless. This one is subtle, but has profound effects. Have you noticed the rising state of anger in children during the last decade or so? Blame the straws. Of course, this is currently nothing. There's always a second act - wait until 2010 when ONLY bendy straws will be manufactured.
-We introduced Family Fued in late 1976 in an attempt to push the idea of herd mentality over the cliff, but even we were surprised by the zeal the public showed in attempting to be just like everyone else. In retrospect, this could be because we went with our softer title, which encouraged competition, instead of our original choice which we eventually deemed too obvious: "Be Like Me". Live and learn.
-Since the invention of the bikini bathing suit in 1946 we have been changing the way doctors are taught to cut umbilical cords, thereby subtly deforming the appearance of the average belly button over time in North America. Grotesque bellybuttons undermine a society's sense of self worth, but of course only if they are always visible, so once belly button esthetics reached an all-time low we introduced the fad of the bellytop. Self esteem and IQ levels plummeted across the continent - but wait until 2009, when the male bellytop fad is introduced. PANDEMONIUM!
There's more of course, but I'm pressed for time, being a very busy man. I can't say much about the project I am currently working on, but I can say that it involves the S Club 7 and Outer Space. Chew on that!
TTFN,
Ramses
Invocation To Eris
Homage to thee, O Eris, at thy beautiful kaos. Thou twirlest like a dervish, thou twirlest like a top, thou twirlest like a Ferris Wheel which never will stop. O thou Only One, O thou Petty One, O thou who art Bitter, yet also Sweet. Of all that is Sweet, of all that is Bitter, thou hast domination over all. Hail Eris! All hail Discordia! Hail Kaos! Hail Babalon! Hail the Great Mother who birthed us all! Hail the Great Whore who barfed us all! O divine madness, self-created, self-anointed, self-serve, thou art Goddess of Heaven, Earth, and New Jersey, thou did create beings celestial and terrestrial. Live thou in me, and I in thee, O thou Golden Apple of the Sun!
Concerning Britney's Chihuahua
FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal
TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal
Dearest Hoopla,
Thank you for your query concerning Britney Spears’ chihuahua “Bubba”, it’s funny you should mention that . . . it’s only with the addition of Baby Cheeto that we in the Illuminati were able to wrestle our agent back, you see “Bubba” was part of our K-9 division who had infiltrated the Spears Cabal under the hopes that we could gain entry to the Pop Division of the Kaballah Center – all of our earlier attempts were thwarted, despite their seemingly flawless execution . . . our agent “Eliphas Levi-Strauss” (known to the masses as Justin Timberlake) got nowhere in his pursuits of Britney’s esoteric logic; our agent “Parsifal Redux” (known to the masses as Fred Durst) found even less, and then proceeded to blab many secrets of the Order on the Howard Stern program, he has since been excommunicated, but has started his own order, known as the L.’. B.’. (we are not worried).
Jiminy Cricket, where was I? Oh yes, “Bubba”, our K-9 agent . . .
He was given to Britney as a means of infiltrating the Kaballah Center’s inner circle, but sadly worked too well . . . Spears was so enraptured by the tiny pup-like thing that it was impossible to retrieve him for analysis. It was at that point I had to step in, take matters into my own hands, to get the program back on track, and it was some beautiful work if I do say so myself . . . you see, K-Fed has been so maligned by the fans and the press about how lazy and untalented he is that people almost never stop to wonder who he is or where he came from . . . he is, of course, one of our agents. Nobody is that gloriously lazy and stupid naturally, it takes years and years of practice . . . look at “W”, he has it down to a fine art.
So, my point is, do not fret over “Bubba” Hoopla, he is fine, he is well, he is enjoying Taco Bell. And, we are slowly gaining access to Madonna’s knowledge . . . “Mwa” and “ha” and “ha” . . .
Toodles,
-Ramses
PS: Those bags of tea you sent me never arrived.
PPS: Tahuti Fruti should taste like reeds – it will sell squillions of scoops!
PPPS: Don’t you just hate PS’s?
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal
TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal
Dearest Hoopla,
Thank you for your query concerning Britney Spears’ chihuahua “Bubba”, it’s funny you should mention that . . . it’s only with the addition of Baby Cheeto that we in the Illuminati were able to wrestle our agent back, you see “Bubba” was part of our K-9 division who had infiltrated the Spears Cabal under the hopes that we could gain entry to the Pop Division of the Kaballah Center – all of our earlier attempts were thwarted, despite their seemingly flawless execution . . . our agent “Eliphas Levi-Strauss” (known to the masses as Justin Timberlake) got nowhere in his pursuits of Britney’s esoteric logic; our agent “Parsifal Redux” (known to the masses as Fred Durst) found even less, and then proceeded to blab many secrets of the Order on the Howard Stern program, he has since been excommunicated, but has started his own order, known as the L.’. B.’. (we are not worried).
Jiminy Cricket, where was I? Oh yes, “Bubba”, our K-9 agent . . .
He was given to Britney as a means of infiltrating the Kaballah Center’s inner circle, but sadly worked too well . . . Spears was so enraptured by the tiny pup-like thing that it was impossible to retrieve him for analysis. It was at that point I had to step in, take matters into my own hands, to get the program back on track, and it was some beautiful work if I do say so myself . . . you see, K-Fed has been so maligned by the fans and the press about how lazy and untalented he is that people almost never stop to wonder who he is or where he came from . . . he is, of course, one of our agents. Nobody is that gloriously lazy and stupid naturally, it takes years and years of practice . . . look at “W”, he has it down to a fine art.
So, my point is, do not fret over “Bubba” Hoopla, he is fine, he is well, he is enjoying Taco Bell. And, we are slowly gaining access to Madonna’s knowledge . . . “Mwa” and “ha” and “ha” . . .
Toodles,
-Ramses
PS: Those bags of tea you sent me never arrived.
PPS: Tahuti Fruti should taste like reeds – it will sell squillions of scoops!
PPPS: Don’t you just hate PS’s?
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