Score another one for individuality! The BRAVO! Channel has just announced its next entry into the increasingly saturated reality-tv contest market with it’s newest mid-season replacement: America’s Next Top Discordian, starting January 5, 2007.
Contestants have not been announced at this date, and it is unclear where try-outs were held at this point, but the decidedly unconventional judges panel announced is already raising eyebrows in the Discordian/Erisian/Mummuian/SubGenii community: The three (as yet unconfirmed) judges of the “do-your-own-thing-boldly-loudly-and-hopefully-annoyingly” program are a wheelchair-bound Robert Anton Wilson, drag queen superstar RuPaul Charles, and hopefully taking the Simon Cowell ‘crusty judge’ place in the panel is the founder of the Church Of The SubGenius, Rev. Ivan Stang.
No word at this point about what the winner of the contest would claim as a prize, but reliable rumor is naming the country of Chad as a top contender.
America’s Next Top Discordian will run at Mondays at 9pm EST, and Sunday afternoons at 2pm EST.
Official Illuminati Correspondence?
To Hoopla:
THIS CORRESPONDENCE IS NOT INTENDED TO BE POSTED ON YOUR WEB LOG.
We have been monitoring your weblog for a long period of time, and feel it necessary to let you know that whomever is conversing with you under the moniker of the Illuminati is lying to you. There is only one Illuminati. There is nobody in our ranks with the name Ramses Colossus. So, unless you are writing the letters yourself you are being lied to.
The New World Order is a reality. It is being implemented slowly as I type this.
9/11 was just the first obvious step, there were several trials in the past which were successful.
Humanity has become much more ‘cabbagized’ than any of you ‘discordians’ even realize. Television was introduced to the public when it was realized how easily it induced a trance-state. The population of the world is being beamed the plans for our future one-world government at all times, in all programs.
Flying saucers are just the beginning.
Look to the stars.
Look to the rising sun.
We are everywhere.
Pay no attention to correspondences from others claiming to be the Illuminated Seers.
Pay very close attention to everything.
KING FELIX
ILLUMINATI
THIS CORRESPONDENCE IS NOT INTENDED TO BE POSTED ON YOUR WEB LOG.
We have been monitoring your weblog for a long period of time, and feel it necessary to let you know that whomever is conversing with you under the moniker of the Illuminati is lying to you. There is only one Illuminati. There is nobody in our ranks with the name Ramses Colossus. So, unless you are writing the letters yourself you are being lied to.
The New World Order is a reality. It is being implemented slowly as I type this.
9/11 was just the first obvious step, there were several trials in the past which were successful.
Humanity has become much more ‘cabbagized’ than any of you ‘discordians’ even realize. Television was introduced to the public when it was realized how easily it induced a trance-state. The population of the world is being beamed the plans for our future one-world government at all times, in all programs.
Flying saucers are just the beginning.
Look to the stars.
Look to the rising sun.
We are everywhere.
Pay no attention to correspondences from others claiming to be the Illuminated Seers.
Pay very close attention to everything.
KING FELIX
ILLUMINATI
A Seinfeldian Moment
I had a rather Seinfeldian moment yesterday afternoon when I was in the coffee break room of the Head Temple of the Esoteric Order Of Eris with Dharma Jam. I was laughing about the paranoia now running rampant on a certain pagan message board I had been spending time on recently, and telling her how they had deleted an alt I had created (based on the Pumpkinite who attempted to abduct Count YooHoo in the summer) despite the fact that they had no evidence it was actually me.
“Can you image the nerve of banning someone because they thought it was me, but with no evidence?” I laughed.
“But, it IS you.” she stated, as she finished a crossword with one hand. In ink.
“Yes,” I said. “but, they don’t KNOW that. It’s really nervy. I’m going to have Faux Sloatman write a letter of outrage.”
“But,” she said again. “It IS YOU.”
I smiled. “I’m all types of people.”
“Can you image the nerve of banning someone because they thought it was me, but with no evidence?” I laughed.
“But, it IS you.” she stated, as she finished a crossword with one hand. In ink.
“Yes,” I said. “but, they don’t KNOW that. It’s really nervy. I’m going to have Faux Sloatman write a letter of outrage.”
“But,” she said again. “It IS YOU.”
I smiled. “I’m all types of people.”
For Those OF You Just Tuning In...
There is only one goddess, she is your goddess. Her name is Eris, and she’s crazy.
Aren’t we all?
She brings you a message:
You are free. Verily, you are as free as you choose to be. The rules of your society were created by you, not by the Multiverse. Follow them, or follow them not; but never forget they are your own creations, or surely they will crush you. Think for yourself. Wear a hat. Carry a big stick, just in case. I just flew in on the Noon Balloon from Banana City, thank you and good night.
May You Have Bats In Your Belfry Forevermore!
Aren’t we all?
She brings you a message:
You are free. Verily, you are as free as you choose to be. The rules of your society were created by you, not by the Multiverse. Follow them, or follow them not; but never forget they are your own creations, or surely they will crush you. Think for yourself. Wear a hat. Carry a big stick, just in case. I just flew in on the Noon Balloon from Banana City, thank you and good night.
May You Have Bats In Your Belfry Forevermore!
On The Subject Of: Existence
“The more unintelligent a man in, the less mysterious existence seems to him.”
-Arthur Schopenhauer
-Arthur Schopenhauer
Count YooHoo Update
Hoopla:
How long has it been? Time seems to have stood still.
Has it been years? DECADES?
Good god, man, the pain and distress I’ve been put through, you have no idea. Why do you put me through this?
I barely made it away from those Pumpkinite bastards, somehow someone found out that I was a plant, and they went ballistic. I had to hide out in a rain ditch for weeks and weeks, living only off discarded cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Slim Jims which were scattered around the parking lot of a semi-deserted gas station.
Did I mention vibrators were originally considered medicinal?
Where was I? Oh, right, how I survived. I stayed alive on my meager rations, until I was saved by a boy named JoJo who was part of a group called the Grapes Of Wrath, they were almost as nutty as the Pumpkinites . . . They were waiting for the time when they had enough followers and were then going to travel across the country on foot helping people everywhere . . . a little like David Banner in the television show The Incredible Hulk, or like that other television show you are always on about, The Littlest Hobo.
For some reason they had been living in a barn for close to a hundred years, all living off breast milk. They kept the women permanently pregnant so they could always have an uninterrupted supply of ‘ambrosia’ as they referred to it. It was nauseating.
I admit, when I first nursed back to health on the tittie of a nineteen year old woman who looked like she could be on the cover of a magazine my disgust lessened slightly, but when I woke back up the revulsion was reborn anew . . . either the girl I was suckled on didn’t look as I had imagined, or they pulled me off her in my sleep and stuck me onto a woman who resembled one of the trees from the Wizard Of Oz.
I freaked.
I admit now, it was a slight over-reaction – I burned down the barn in my rage. The truly embarrassing part is that I got stuck under a beam which fell from the top of the barn, and the Grapes Of Wrath saved my life AGAIN. It took two more weeks of suckling to bring me back to what I consider life, or at least that’s what they told me.
We are all now traveling together. Do you know of anywhere that about 75 people (40 of them suckling) can stay for a few days? How big is your balcony?
-Count YooHoo, K.S.C., S.H., H.M.
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Van Vliet Cabal
YooHoo:
I just want some clarification, is this the BAND The Grapes Of Wrath? Because, if so, my balcony is very very small indeed. Barely big enough for St. Gulik to do his yoga.
-BVH
How long has it been? Time seems to have stood still.
Has it been years? DECADES?
Good god, man, the pain and distress I’ve been put through, you have no idea. Why do you put me through this?
I barely made it away from those Pumpkinite bastards, somehow someone found out that I was a plant, and they went ballistic. I had to hide out in a rain ditch for weeks and weeks, living only off discarded cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Slim Jims which were scattered around the parking lot of a semi-deserted gas station.
Did I mention vibrators were originally considered medicinal?
Where was I? Oh, right, how I survived. I stayed alive on my meager rations, until I was saved by a boy named JoJo who was part of a group called the Grapes Of Wrath, they were almost as nutty as the Pumpkinites . . . They were waiting for the time when they had enough followers and were then going to travel across the country on foot helping people everywhere . . . a little like David Banner in the television show The Incredible Hulk, or like that other television show you are always on about, The Littlest Hobo.
For some reason they had been living in a barn for close to a hundred years, all living off breast milk. They kept the women permanently pregnant so they could always have an uninterrupted supply of ‘ambrosia’ as they referred to it. It was nauseating.
I admit, when I first nursed back to health on the tittie of a nineteen year old woman who looked like she could be on the cover of a magazine my disgust lessened slightly, but when I woke back up the revulsion was reborn anew . . . either the girl I was suckled on didn’t look as I had imagined, or they pulled me off her in my sleep and stuck me onto a woman who resembled one of the trees from the Wizard Of Oz.
I freaked.
I admit now, it was a slight over-reaction – I burned down the barn in my rage. The truly embarrassing part is that I got stuck under a beam which fell from the top of the barn, and the Grapes Of Wrath saved my life AGAIN. It took two more weeks of suckling to bring me back to what I consider life, or at least that’s what they told me.
We are all now traveling together. Do you know of anywhere that about 75 people (40 of them suckling) can stay for a few days? How big is your balcony?
-Count YooHoo, K.S.C., S.H., H.M.
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Van Vliet Cabal
YooHoo:
I just want some clarification, is this the BAND The Grapes Of Wrath? Because, if so, my balcony is very very small indeed. Barely big enough for St. Gulik to do his yoga.
-BVH
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