Cyrus Teed was one of the few who have spoken directly with Our Goddess, Eris Nancy Discordia, and because of not only this, but also for his unflinching devotion to promoting her Divine Madness, he has been canonized in the First Church of Discord.Teed, born in 5839 YD, was a cousin of another who came in contact with some form of Mystical Touch, Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, and while working in his "electro-alchemical laboratory" received an electric shock which sent him into blissful reverie. While in this other world he was contacted by the Goddess, who told him that She alone had created the world, referring to Herself as 'She What Done It All', claiming the well-known Christian Male god had nothing whatsoever to do with the formation, but claimed full credit nonetheless. In doing so, She informed Teed, he had created gross falsifications about how it all worked, and moreover, had allowed scientists to twist the lies even further.
The Universe, She lectured, was NOT as we had been lead to believe, natch. She, however, would enlighten Teed on how things really were, and he would resolve the war between science and religion with the hot scoop: The Universe consisted of solid rock from here until Goddess only knows where . . . one hollow spot in the center of it all is where we live. According to Her divine testimony, human beings live on the inside of the planet, not the outside. Gravity thus does not exist, and humans are held in place due to centrifugal force. The sun is a giant battery-operated contraption, and the stars are merely psychedelic refractions of its light.
If any proof of the Goddess's identity was needed, it may be found in the divinely ludicrous postscript to Her message: that Teed should end racism by uniting the Whites and the Blacks, while keeping the Orientals out of the country altogether, a trait he had in common with another Discordian saint, St.Bean.[The management at DU HEXEN HASE! would like to point out at this juncture that we do not endorse the views on race held by all of our saints. We both love, and despise, people of all cultures and walks of life. So there. -Ed.]
Teed changed his name to Koresh (the Hebrew version of Cyrus) and formed a new religion named Koreshanity, attracting thousands of followers. The group set up camp in Estero, Florida eventually planning to usurp the insane popularity of Christianity. It was, alas, not to be: in 5907 YD Teed was beaten severely by the town marshall, a member of the Illuminati, and died shortly thereafter. His followers, who -like Teed- followed the Goddess's theory of reincarnation, believed Teed would come back to life, so instead of burying him, they propped him up in the traditional Discordian meditation device: a bathtub. After several days, local health officials stepped in due to hundreds of complaints of something smelling worse than a White Castle burger, and forced the burial of Teed, thereby ruining his chances of reincarnating back into the same body, and effectively closing down Koreshanity. Some say you can still hear the Goddess giggling near Estero, Florida to this day.
And so, as Pontifex Maximus, I hereby rename Cyrus Teed as 'St.Teed'.
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